Vacation Exposure Therapy
How traveling with my baby made Brooklyn outings feel less daunting
When there’s an unpredictable tiny human in your home, it’s easy to talk yourself out of going out in the world (especially in the winter).
We could run errands… but what if he doesn’t want to stay in his stroller and it’s too cold to get out?
We could go the museum and walk around… but what if he’s hungry and doesn’t want his bottle?
We could walk around the neighborhood and go to the swings… but what if he has a blowout?
We could go out to dinner as a family… but what if he loses it and disturbs everyone around us?
The Mental Math of Leaving the House
All of this is what runs through the head of a Lexapro-aided, self-proclaimed “chill mom” whose baby is also, by everyone else’s observations, quite chill.
This doesn’t mean I’ve been a total shut-in postpartum. Even in the early months, Felix and I went for walks, met friends for lunch/drinks, and ran errands. From the perspective of other new moms, we were out and about a lot.
But that doesn’t mean it didn’t (doesn’t) require some intense motivation to get us out the door.
I was (am) usually doing a lot of math in my head around next nap time, bottle time, or diaper change, and weighing tradeoffs between the value of the outing and how much stuff I should bring with me “just in case.” And sometimes that means I decided to keep it easy and stay home.
Then we went on our first family vacation
Last month we took Felix on his first flights and first international trip to Roatan, Honduras. This is a place near and dear to my heart that I’ve been to three times before. I always stay at one of two hotels, I dive with the same amazing dive shop, and I feel really familiar with the place and people.
So while it may seem like a bold first trip to take the baby, I knew what to expect and what the general rhythm of our days would look like… so it didn’t feel like a big leap.
We also went with two friends who are close their nephews and niece and know what it means to be around and help with babies. Honestly, I’ve made it a practice to not go on any trip where there isn’t at least one extra adult to help with Felix and I fully stand by it.
Our plan was to go out for all of our meals, get food from the hotel restaurant, or have leftovers. We bought a few snacks/pouches for Felix at the local grocery store, but he was pretty satisfied with the food we ordered – the boy loves rice and beans and the Honduran national dish… the baleada. He has good taste!
Lower Expectations, Lighter Bags
That means that on this trip, we went from taking him out for a meal maybe one time a month, to going out once or twice a day. And instead of packing a diaper bag full of things we might need, I just crammed a few things in my regular-sized purse. In fact, I didn’t even leave the hotel with diapers most nights and it mostly worked out???
Maybe because we had to make it work?
Maybe because we had friends for backup?
Maybe because the Honduran people were *very welcoming* of my baby?
Probably a little bit of all of it.
Sure, he got fussy sometimes, and didn’t love the high chair at dinnertime and someone needed to hold him, and he put too much broccoli in his mouth that I had to pull out, and his diaper did leak onto his clothes once and he had to wear our friends t-shirt bc I didn’t have extra clothes … BUT IT WAS ALL FINE.
In fact, it was good exposure therapy for one of us
Not for Felix… but for me and my mom confidence. These experiences showed me that things usually go ok, even if there are bumps in the road, and reminded me that babies deserve to exist in the world and that we’re allowed to bring them out even if they don’t end up being perfect angels (though he often is).
And while Brooklyn is certainly a different place with different people and it is VERY very cold right now, I’ve been trying to bring my newfound mom confidence out in the world – along with my giant baby.
Of course, in the week following these revelations, we had a BAD dinner out (our worst ever) with Felix’s visiting aunts where I needed to rush out of a restaurant with an inconsolable child after having one sip of my Negroni and zero bites of food.
And guess what…. It was also fine.
Felix was extremely worked up because of a bad diaper rash and also not enough napping, but calmed down on the short walk home. We (I) chatted with a grandma for a block who said many nice and encouraging things, and the fam got the food to go so we could eat together at home.
In some ways, it was almost helpful to have this BAD incident after several good or at least mediocre experiences. It was a reminder that yes… sometimes things are rough, but we are adaptable! I’m good at quickly figuring out what needs to happen, I have people to help me (or I can ask for strangers to help), and even the most intense emotional outbursts end — often faster than I’m expecting.
So while the cold may drive us to stay home a bit more in the months ahead, I also want to use this momentum / confidence / bravery to bring Felix out in the world more. It won’t always go well, there will be other times where we’ll need to pull the rip cord as soon as (or maybe even before) drinks arrive.
But in many cases, it will probably be totally fine. At least until we reach toddlerhood…